WIFE:

What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND:

Definitely not!
WIFE:

Why not - don't you like being married?
HUSBAND:

Of course I do.
WIFE:

Then why wouldn't you remarry?
HUSBAND:

Okay, I'd get married again.
WIFE:

You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND:

(Makes audible groan).
WIFE:

Would you live in our house?
HUSBAND:

Sure, it's a great house.
WIFE:

Would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND:

Where else would we sleep?
WIFE:

Would you let her drive my car?
HUSBAND:

Probably, it is almost new.
WIFE:

Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND:

That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WIFE:

Would she use my golf clubs?
HUSBAND:

No, she's left-handed.
WIFE:
- silence - -
HUSBAND:
Sh*t....

 YOU CAN GUESS THE REST   
 

A Cup of Tea!
 
How adorable!
 
Only a Mom Would Know

 

Cup of Tea.

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 3 years old,
and someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift.
It was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him
a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.
My Dad made her sit quietly in another room,
so mom could watch me bring dad the cup of tea, because I was so cute.

Mom waited, and sure enough, I came walking down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy.
Mom watches dad drink from the tea cup.

Then she says, (as only a mother would know... :)
'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?

I'm sure that you have seen pharmaceutical advertising in doctor's offices on everything from tissues to exam table cover paper. Well, in my book, this one should get the prize...


One of our doctor buddies e-mailed back: 'If the light stays on for more than 4 hours, call your erectrician.' 

7 Reasons Not To Mess With Children






 A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. 

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. 

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. 

The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'. 

The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?' 

The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.


 A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. 

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. 

The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.' 

The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.' 

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'



 A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. 

After explaining the commandment to 'honor' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?' 

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill..'



 One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. 
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?' 

Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.' 

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mommy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'





 The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. 

'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Susan, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' 

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'


 A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.' 

'Yes,' the class said. 

'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?' 

A little fellow shouted, 
'Cause your feet ain't empty.'

 The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 

'Take only ONE. God is watching.' 

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. 

A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'

It doesn't matter how many people you send this to, just remember if it made you laugh, your friends will laugh too.

 

This is hilarious, please don't let this happen to you!!!!!!!
|--------------------------------------------------------------------------|
| TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!                                    |
|                                                                          |
| An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report              |
| That her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she              |
| Explains her situation to the dispatcher: 'They've                      |
| Stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and              |
| Even the accelerator!' she cried. The dispatcher said,                  |
| 'Stay calm. An officer is on the way.' A few minutes                    |
| Later, the officer radios in 'Disregard.' He says.                      |
| 'She got in the back-seat by mistake.'                                  |
|                                                                          |
|                                                                          |
|                                                                          |
| TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!                                      |
|                                                                          |
| ________________________________________________________________________ |
|                                                                          |
|                                                                          |
| Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house                      |
| Together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts              |
| Her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters,                  |
| 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?' The                              |
| 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come                        |
| Up and see.' She starts up the stairs and pauses                        |
| 'Was I going up the stairs or down? The 92-year-old is                  |
| Sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her                |
| Sisters, she shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I                    |
| Never get that forgetful, knock on wood..' She then                      |
| Yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as                    |
| I see who's at the door.'                                                |
|                                                                          |
|                                                                          |
| TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!                                    |
|                                                                          |
| ________________________________________________________________________ |
|                                                                          |
|                                                                          |
|                                                                          |
| 'I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!'                                                  |
|                                                                          |
| Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf              |
| One fine March day. One remarked to the other, 'Windy,                  |
| Isn't it?' 'No,' the second man replied,                                |
| 'it's Thursday.' And the third man chimed in,                            |
| 'So am I. Let's have a beer.'                                            |
|                                                                          |
|                                                                          |
|                                                                          |
| TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!                                    |
|                                                                          |
| _______________________________________________________________________  |
|                                                                          |
| A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a                |
| Nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of                |
| Her nightgown and say 'Supersex.' She walked up to                      |
| An elderly man in a wheelchair.. Flipping her gown at him,              |
| She said, 'Supersex.' He sat silently for a moment                      |
| Or two and finally answered, 'I'll take the                              |
| Soup.'                                                                  |
|                                                                          |
|                                                                          |
|                                                                          |
| TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!                                    |
|                                                                          |
| ____________________________________________________________________    |
|                                                                          |
| Now this one is just too Precious....LOL!                                |
|                                                                          |
| Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over              |
| The years, they had shared all kinds of activities and                  |
| Adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to                |
| Meeting a few times a week to play cards.                                |
|                                                                          |
| One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the                  |
| Other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me ... I know                      |
| We've been friends for a long time, but I just can't                    |
| Think of your name! I've thought And thought, but I                      |
| Can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is..                    |
|                                                                          |
| Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes she                  |
| Just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How                    |
| Soon do you need to know?'                                              |
|                                                                          |
|                                                                          |
|                                                                          |
| TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!                                    |
|                                                                          |
|                                                                          |
|                                                                          |
| _______________________________________________________________________  |
|                                                                          |
| SENIOR DRIVING                                                          |
|                                                                          |
| As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car                |
| Phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice                        |
| Urgently warning him, 'Herman, I just heard on the news                  |
| That there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77.                |
| Please be careful!' 'Heck,' said Herman,                                |
| 'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of  them!'                        |
|                                                                          |
|                                                                          |
| TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!                                    |
| _________________________________________________________________        |
|                                                                          |
|                                                                          |
| DRIVING                                                                  |
|                                                                          |
| Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both                |
| Could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising              |
| Along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red,              |
| But they just went on through. The woman in the passenger                |
| Seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it.. I could                    |
| Have sworn we just went Through a red light.'                            |
|                                                                          |
| After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection              |
| And the light was red. Again, they went right through. The              |
| Woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light              |
| Had been red but was really concerned that she was losing                |
| it. She was getting nervous.                                            |
|                                                                          |
| At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red                |
| And they went on through. So, She turned to the other woman              |
| And said, 'Mildred, did you know that we just ran                        |
| Through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us              |
| Both!'                                                                  |
|                                                                          |
| Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh, crap, am I driving?'                |
|                                                                          |
|                                                                          |
|                                                                          |
| TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!                                    |
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